Grace in Loss

FaithFueled Friday

Learning something new

Every time I think that I have this Christian walk thing figured out God gives me another challenge to master. Not that I think that I could be perfect and walk like Jesus, but I make a conscious effort to live and abide in Christ. There are so many challenges that I face in my attempts but this one in particular keeps coming up in many different ways. It’s something that is multi-faceted but people seem to pigeon hole in one or two areas; grace.

My understanding of grace is God showing unmerited favor to us in the form of blessings. A pretty generalized idea that can be applied in many situations right? Yes, so with that interpretation I never realized how much grace God really does show us daily. There are the obvious, and there are the not-so-obvious ones that we take for granted and then there are the really big ones.

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Different types of grace

1 Corinthians 15: 10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.

The obvious graces that I recognize and give praise to God daily for: I woke up this morning, food to eat, clothes to wear, home, healthy family, great husband. There are the ones that we take for granted but still are His grace nonetheless. These are the ones that I never praise Him for nor do I recognize as grace but I should and need to work on. The tedious tiresome task of our everyday life is God’s grace too.  For me being a stay at home mom’s those are the ones that I tend to complain about the most. I am grateful for God’s grace I am able to stay at home. I am grateful that although I complain and behave ungratefully; he still shows me favor. Things like laundry, dishes, bathrooms, and kitchen floors (to name a few). These are the ones that I am still trying to master and he is challenging me with everyday.

Then there are the really big ones, those are monumental moments in my life that I can pinpoint the effect His grace had on me. It was by God’s grace that I married my husband. The house that we live in was definitely through His grace and direction.  One that really stands out in my mind lately and I don’t really think I have thoroughly processed is the birth of my third daughter.

 

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Life changing Grace
My youngest one was what would be refer to as an “accident.” We weren’t intentionally planning to conceive her and I was in complete denial that I was pregnant in the beginning. All the signs were there but I was passing them off as other things. Until, I was unbearably sick for days.  So, took the test, came out positive and headed to the doctor. Went through all the general procedure and had an ultrasound to measure the baby. At the ultra sound found out that “Yay! ( a little sarcasm) not only did we accidentally conceive one child but there were two in there.” Have you ever seen the commercial where the dad passes out over learning of triplets? Imagine my husbands face just before he passed out but didn’t actually fall to the ground. I wasn’t exactly thrilled but I was ready for whatever God had given us.

We continued to live life and scheduled another ultrasound appointment 3 weeks later. Still unbelievably sick to the point I had lost 10 pounds in three weeks. Was very weak, tired and couldn’t get much accomplished. Went in with my little sister and soon to be middle daughter for the ultra-sound excited to see how my two lil ones had progressed in the 3 short weeks.  At 11 weeks, I went in for the next ultrasound; Get in, lathered up, after a few swipes the ultrasound tech brow furrows, a few more swipes and she says, “I will be back I have to go talk to the doctor.” Hind sight, I should have known something was wrong but dealing with a curious 5 year old and chatting with my sister I didn’t pay attention.  The doctor comes in,introduces her self and after few swipes regretfully tells me,”I am sorry but “Baby A” no longer has a heart beat.” Seriously, how do you react to something like that? You only have had 3 weeks to process that everything will be multiplied times two and just as quickly as you come to terms with that; you subtract it back down to one.  I am not a very emotional person and I admittedly can be slow some time so it took me a long time to process that, honestly I still am working on it.

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Ephesians 2:8  For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—.

We left and I had the mommy task of answering lots of questions that I couldn’t answer myself. Got seen by my doctor the next day and she explained to me that it was probably the best thing that “Baby A” didn’t make it. It probably had some “cell abnormalities, defects, they were fraternal so that should have no effect on Baby B, blah blah blah,” doctor talk. The gist is that then I was on bed rest for 6 weeks, lots of doctors appointments to make sure that “Baby B” would be okay. Fast forward 6 months and I had a wonderful, natural delivery of a 7 lb 8 oz. healthy little girl who was perfect in every way. Her name is Milah and she is my happiest child, super intelligent and a weird and funny fact was born with four nipples. We jokingly say in remembrance of her twin but there might be some truth to that we have yet to find out. (Insert twilight zone music now). Through God’s grace he had spared her from her siblings fate and she is now our little happy survivor. Her middle name is Taryn-Grace and every day I am reminded of God’s unmerited favor of  not taking both babies but sparing me one. There are days that I look at her and think, “What if there had been two?” and there are others day that I look at her and think, “What would have I done with two?”

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Depths of His Grace

Just as God is infinite with His love for us, I find He is even more so with His grace. Every day at every moment we are walking, talking, breathing and basking in His grace. The birth of my daughter was death of me relying on the world, it strengthened my faith and made me the strong Christian woman I am today. That in itself if you knew the path I was on is God’s grace. Seeing this perfect little person that from the very beginning before she even came to us God showed favor. That was more than enough proof that my God is an awesome God.  Every day when I sit and reflect on the grace that He shows me in the obvious, the routine and the really big ones. (Not every day but some days there are those neon light big moments) Where not only He show me faith but glimpse of the immensity of His love for me through His grace.

How has God showed you grace today? Yesterday? In a big way?

16 comments to Grace in Loss

  • Tiffani  says:

    OMG thank you so much for your transparency in this post. Taryn-Grace is beautiful! It is so important that we continue to bring awareness pregnancy and infant loss. I dont think we talk about it enough and then, often times, women have to go through it along

    • debolton  says:

      Thank you doing my best to empower others to heal.

  • Chaitali  says:

    Beautiful photos of your daughter, she looks so happy in that last one! Thank you for being so honest in this post and for sharing.

  • Michelle Hartgraves  says:

    Wow, so beautifully written! you are a very strong women to realize God’s grace. A lot of people would become bitter and not see God’s love in the whole situation. This brings tears to my eyes even though I have never had to suffer like this! Thanks for sharing De!

    • debolton  says:

      It was me provencial circumstance that lead me to grow a stronger relationship in Christ and I hope others choose that instead.

  • Mihaela Echols  says:

    I love where you say you stop and look at where God is showing you grace. I think a lot of us need to stop and count our blessings.

    • debolton  says:

      We do often and daily.

  • Caroline  says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are not alone. I am glad you are sharing as it’s something so many can relate to, including me

    • debolton  says:

      Yes prayers to those who can relate and prayers to you Caroline.

  • petite heartbeat  says:

    Great post. I don’t think we will ever have it all figured out. We learn each day. God is so good even when we don’t see it. He’s doing miracles on our behalf each day.

    • debolton  says:

      Yes He is “even when we don’t see it”! 😊

  • Kristi  says:

    So sorry for your loss. Your daughter is beautiful! I have a friend that had this same thing happen. She lost one of her children and never mentioned it to the one that was born. When he was young, maybe 5, he started talking about the brother that was in his mommy’s tummy with him. It was a precious moment for the mom and dad who never got to hold that child to know that their son remembered his brother.

    • De  says:

      Thank you and that is amazing. WoW!

  • pondernwonder  says:

    Such a lovely article – clearly reads through your utmost Faith in Him! Loved that you gave your daughter a middle name of Grace. Reminds me of my favorite quote – “The Grace of God is like an insurance. It will protect you at the time of need without any limits”. Nothing will make up for your loss, but it shows strength in your character to take it all in the positive light.

    • De  says:

      Thank you! It was my aha moment that I needed to fully trust and rely and it has made it so much easier in other areas of my life to do the same. If I can trust Him with my broken heart I can trust Him for everything else. Thank you for your kind words!

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