I remember when….. always dates you when you start off something like that, but I do; I remember when I was a self-proclaimed fashionista. I don’t know if I was stylish, but had a sense of style, and then I became a Mom. With each lil diva, I fell into a different sense of style. It happens, you change, your lifestyle changes, your body changes and so does your wardrobe.
Getting Summer Ready
So, here I am looking at the summer fashions thinking I am finally smaller its what I have worked for; right? I’m going to go to the store grab an Easter dress and a few things that don’t come in Small, Medium or Large or my personal favorite One Size Fits all (which anyone who has been bigger girls it should be One Size Fits Most). You know the clothes you just pick your favorite color and put it on. The “oh so forgiving” stretchy material and go about your day. Well, here I am again shopping for the summer season while currently in a new life season.
Misperceived “Small” Section
Although, last year when I was hoping to be thinner to shop in the “smaller” girl section this year it’s just overwhelming and I have no clue where to begin. I thought shopping for a smaller body in the smaller section with the old perception that the smaller clothes are better but guess what? Nope, there is not a new sense of satisfaction with the smaller section.
Mama was right, “I hate that!”
The fitting room mirrors are the same in the smaller sections as they are in the plus size section. Unforgiving, unflattering and self-esteem were demoting. So, does that mean that they reflection in the mirror doesn’t depend on a size but depends on a person in the clothes? Didn’t our Mama say that to us maybe once or twice before, I hate it when my Mama is right. In this case, though I wish she were wrong I wish that my outside reflection would silence my inner thoughts.
1 Peter 4:12 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.
Anxiety Robs Your Joy
I was diagnosed with anxietybdisorder when she was 25 I understand the demon that can turn good intentions into mental breakdowns. Anxiety disorder looks different on everyone and is handled differently by everyone. As of lately, my anxiety has been at all time high. I have a lot of things going on in this season of my life. I have also realized that although my faith has grown in many areas of my life trust, dependence, and reliance. Anxiety is where I allow the enemy to get to me. Especially, lately since recommitting myself to Christ until January.
I hadn’t had a panic attack in years (probably 3 or 4) and the in January before taking my NASM Certification I had a full out, time stopping panic attack before I left to take my test. It’s been a long while like I said since that has happened and I had forgotten how debilitation they can be it took days to get back to my positive mindset and ever since I have, to be honest, I have had a fear of my old friend anxiety creeping back in.
Growing through Disorder
I received two reminders; one, I realize how far I had grown in Christ because my instant reaction was unceasing prayers until the overwhelming feelings of fear, uncertainty, inadequacy and tears lots of tears went away. Second, it was a wake-up call on how I need to cling to God and get closer to Him. The snooze button has been shortening my time more and more in the morning with God, and my life has continued to go nonstop meaning I probably should be waking up earlier instead of later to give me the peace, clarity, and direction I feel I receive from my morning studies.
John 10:10 (ESV) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
Getting back to my Basic Needs
I am in the homestretch of finishing my associates in Fitness and Exercise Science. I have decided to continue to get a Bachelor’s Degree in the field. I am still training to compete in an NPC Figure Division Competiton in October. I will am teaching a few group fitness classes in the next few weeks, launched my soul project (I do believe it will change women’s lives) Bibles and Bootcamps and I am a mother of a 13,9 and two-year-old and wife of a teacher, basketball coach, and entrepreneur.
Let’s just say my anxious moments are more frequent and my time is more limited which is probably why something fun and exciting as clothes shopping is bringing overwhelming anxious feeling; because that’s what anxiety does, takes something meant to be harmless and makes it so much more. I was reminded that prioritizing my time with God is essential these days.)
Finding Peace in Jesus
No matter what I put on if I don’t have peace on the inside then it is all meaningless.
That shopping trip was so discouraging. I got my Easter dress and decided to try again later. I spoke with a friend who encouraged me to give it another try to see myself through Jesus’ eyes. To find the joy in shopping again, trying on different options, having things fit. Now, I don’t believe I found a special pair of “Jesus glasses” the next time as I looked in the mirror but I do know that a different perspective some time with the Father and I found the joy in shopping again much to my husband’s dismay.
Colossians 1:10 “so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God.
Victory in the Fitting Room
I haven’t worn shorts in about three years; well guess what? I got two pairs. I usually buy very flowy tops because flowy hides muffin tops and is what I was used to and became accustomed to with the forgiveness of leggings and the miracle of compression I didn’t realize that I no longer have a muffin top to cover with flowy tanks. When you wear a uniform of workout gear or over sized shirts and leggings, it’s easy not to notice these things.
My anxiety has been a catalyst as well as a hindrance in the past decade of my life. But as I sit in the fitting room staring at the reflection of a girl who worked hard to get to the small section and realizing that the tag number doesn’t matter. Despite my size, if I don’t turn to Jesus to resolve my problematic thoughts I will never have peace.Regardless, of what I look like on the outside. My point is no matter the size you are now enjoying all the victories and don’t let the enemy steal joy from you that you deserve.
What mental roadblock have you had to overcome? What did you do differently to address them?